One of the most overwhelming feelings experienced by the injured spouse after finding out about the affair is disbelief. This is something that happens to other people. How can your relationship have come to this? Perhaps you’ve been married for years, have grown up children, gone through so much together and now here you are, actually contemplating whether you should end your marriage.
Coping with the aftermath of an affair is one of the most difficult emotional experiences a person may have to deal with and worse still, only the two of you can decide whether it really is over. No one else can help you make that decision.
Very often the injured partner’s immediate reaction after finding out about the affair is to walk away crying for a divorce. This is of course totally understandable.
But it doesn’t mean that it’s the right thing to do.
You will no doubt be bombarded with a myriad of helpful advice from people who love you, but although their advice will be given with the best intentions, it will not be objective but most likely be focused on which direction they personally believe your road to happiness lies. It may be that you are advised to leave your relationship by some who want to spare you further anguish, while others may believe that the answer is to stay and try to work out your problems.
If you confide in a close friend or family member after the affair, their understandable immediate reaction will probably be anger that your spouse could cheat on you and a follow on tendency to judge your partner harshly. What then happens if you make the decision to try and make your marriage work? Even if you wholeheartedly forgive your spouse, the chances are that the person you confided in will always harbor at least some resentment and anger towards them.
On the other hand, if you decide to end your marriage and your confidant thinks you are making a mistake, they may well judge you, if only silently, for a long time.
Of course there are exceptional people who are able to listen objectively and truly support you whatever you choose to do but they are rare. It is far better to talk to someone who can listen impartially without making any judgements and who would not snub your partner if you manage to salvage your relationship.
At the end of the day you are the one who has to make the decision as to what to do after the affair, and it may well be the hardest decision you ever have to make. Whatever choice you make, there will be consequences that you will have to live with for the rest of your life.
But there really are no hard and fast rules in a situation like this. There is no law stating that your marriage must be terminated after discovering that your partner has had an affair.
If your partner is truly sorry and really does want the opportunity to try to repair the damage that the affair caused, then the possibility remains that, with hard work and total commitment on both sides, your resulting relationship could actually be stronger than ever before.
It can and does happen.
If you want to try and save your marriage after an affair and need impartial, practical help. working through How to Survive an Affair may well be the best step you can take.
Monday 7 February 2011
Tuesday 18 January 2011
An Emotional Affair: How To Move On
Of course one of the biggest questions you ask yourself is - why? What was missing in your relationship to drive your partner into the arms of someone else. Unfortunately there is very often no clear reason. Perhaps it happened because your partner began to feel dissatisfied in the relationship, harboring resentments that they chose not to talk about. You may have noticed the signs of discontent or neglect but, like me, chose to bury your head in the sand and hope it would all go away.
If you look back at your relationship candidly (oh the value of hindsight!) were there times when you could have made your partner feel more special or just been more communicative? If, like us, neither of you were working at it, the chances are that your emotional connection with each other suffered badly.
But whatever the reason, the simple fact of the matter is that your relationship has gone through a breakdown in understanding and intimacy and it's these areas you really need to concentrate on. If your partner has admitted to having an emotional affair, then no matter how hurt and bewildered you feel at the moment, believe me, this can be the first step to restoring the bond between you.
That said, if you really want your relationship to survive, then you will need to learn to communicate intimately with each other again. This won't be easy, particularly if you've both got out of the habit of being open and honest with each other, but it really is vital that you persist, even if your partner begrudges your efforts at first. There is no excuse for a husband or wife to cheat, either emotionally, sexually or both, but if your partner went outside of your relationship to get that 'special' feeling, then perhaps that's something that you need to provide.
So, just how do you move on from your partner's emotional affair and learn to communicate with each other intimately again?
I know how difficult it can be when you really don't know where to start, but you can get immediate help by downloading the 7 part 'Survive an Affair' course from Marriage Sherpa.com.
The course includes communication techniques aimed at rebuilding your emotional connection and will help you both create a new foundation of trust after the affair.
Click here now for instant access
Infidelity In Marriage
And having experienced infidelity in your marriage, how can you ever know the truth from the lies and learn to trust your partner again?
One of the hardest things to deal with when your spouse has had an affair is the struggle to understand how you actually fell for the lies, how you didn’t cotton on to what was happening right under your nose!
But anyone can be hoodwinked by a good liar and there really is no easy way to spot an untruth.
Once your world has been shattered by the realisation that at least a part of your marriage has been based on a bed of deceit, it’s extremely difficult to tell exactly what is real and what is fiction and you may long for that time when you believed that your partner’s word was inviolate. You may want to trust them again but it’s a long and arduous process which needs your partner’s wholehearted commitment to creating a new level of trust between you both.
Sometimes it’s hard to accept or believe that your spouse is no longer lying and you need concrete proof that the affair is over, but knowing with 100% accuracy whether or not your partner is still lying to you may well be a pointless use of your time and energy. If you want to rebuild a shattered relationship, at some point you have to have faith that your partner is telling you the truth and begin to create that new level of trust, one step at a time.
However, even if both of you are committed to rebuilding the trust between you, the biggest hurdle may be that you want more from your cheating spouse than a verbal request for forgiveness, however remorseful. You may want constant confirmation that they are truly working towards changing their character both inside and outside.
One way a cheating spouse can offer this reassurance is by keeping in regular contact and by openly sharing their activities. For example, calling a couple of times day to let you know where they are and what they are doing can go a long way towards putting the infidelity behind you and starting to rebuild your marriage.
If you really need help in creating a new foundation of trust after an affair, you can get immediate support and guidance by downloading the 7 part 'Survive An Affair' course from Marriage Sherpa.com. Within the course are key exercises that will help each of you take positive steps to create new levels of trust and intimacy and provide you with a realistic plan to heal yourself and your marriage.
Click here for instant access
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