One of the most overwhelming feelings experienced by the injured spouse after finding out about the affair is disbelief. This is something that happens to other people. How can your relationship have come to this? Perhaps you’ve been married for years, have grown up children, gone through so much together and now here you are, actually contemplating whether you should end your marriage.
Coping with the aftermath of an affair is one of the most difficult emotional experiences a person may have to deal with and worse still, only the two of you can decide whether it really is over. No one else can help you make that decision.
Very often the injured partner’s immediate reaction after finding out about the affair is to walk away crying for a divorce. This is of course totally understandable.
But it doesn’t mean that it’s the right thing to do.
You will no doubt be bombarded with a myriad of helpful advice from people who love you, but although their advice will be given with the best intentions, it will not be objective but most likely be focused on which direction they personally believe your road to happiness lies. It may be that you are advised to leave your relationship by some who want to spare you further anguish, while others may believe that the answer is to stay and try to work out your problems.
If you confide in a close friend or family member after the affair, their understandable immediate reaction will probably be anger that your spouse could cheat on you and a follow on tendency to judge your partner harshly. What then happens if you make the decision to try and make your marriage work? Even if you wholeheartedly forgive your spouse, the chances are that the person you confided in will always harbor at least some resentment and anger towards them.
On the other hand, if you decide to end your marriage and your confidant thinks you are making a mistake, they may well judge you, if only silently, for a long time.
Of course there are exceptional people who are able to listen objectively and truly support you whatever you choose to do but they are rare. It is far better to talk to someone who can listen impartially without making any judgements and who would not snub your partner if you manage to salvage your relationship.
At the end of the day you are the one who has to make the decision as to what to do after the affair, and it may well be the hardest decision you ever have to make. Whatever choice you make, there will be consequences that you will have to live with for the rest of your life.
But there really are no hard and fast rules in a situation like this. There is no law stating that your marriage must be terminated after discovering that your partner has had an affair.
If your partner is truly sorry and really does want the opportunity to try to repair the damage that the affair caused, then the possibility remains that, with hard work and total commitment on both sides, your resulting relationship could actually be stronger than ever before.
It can and does happen.
If you want to try and save your marriage after an affair and need impartial, practical help. working through How to Survive an Affair may well be the best step you can take.
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